#for now im told to relax and not move around so much bc im gna feel like im going thru a period again JSJSKD

[izzysdiary003]

h’s last night.

npg (or npc as she said) fun but friends vibes, greggs and walking around - nice we can walk for hours and not run out of things to say. i don’t even remember what we spoke about on way back via archway.

i love the neighbourhood. oh to live there eventually. small world that she’s so close to where we lived.

stopped by her mums house for her to get me her suetonius (gift from olivia to her originally 💀), i met jordan peterson the huge cat. nice house.

the apartment was cute, small, dad vibes. i liked the balcony. her dad was interesting to meet (unofficially)- hulkingly tall new zealander who came home drunk and offered to make us breakfast

someone gifted him biltong at his work xmas party. i like the way he talks to h.

she made her bbq sauce quesadilla thing, i had toast. headache due to dehydration but lay on sofa spooning/always lying on one another.

watched bridget jones 2 (classic) and then 2 eps of crown- princess margaret’s death made me CRY. was wondering if we would get intimate but decided to let her make the moves. i liked that i was comfortable to let the night take its course.

uquizzes and pinterest stalking in bed. blue moon cup which she got me full of water. snapping lucy and giggling. cuddling. just as we started to get bored i did a quiz where i said i liked her nose. it’s asymmetric, she said. i got close to look and we started to kiss.

fuck she is hot. it’s not often that i can get turned on just lying next to someone imagining what we could do to each other. i’m so glad she likes grinding making out like i do. the skin against skin, needy movements.

when i’d come and we were gna do more, just as i was taking her shirt off, dad arrived home earlier than expected

lots of for fucks sakes etc. funny but irritating.

cuddling and more chatting. time wasting.

then we got again eventually. i really enjoyed it; sex w her isn’t stressful. her fingers on my clit didnt feel amazing, a bit jabby, but fuck were they good inside me. lips on neck, lips on her tits.

my favourite memory is her hands sliding into my pants and her giving a little gasp. she told me how wet i was. i’m not surprised. i fingered her too, rough and intense. we were so tangled up in each other that sometimes i couldn’t get the right angle but it was so good it didn’t matter. at one point we were fingering one another at the same time.

we had to try not to be loud, and sometimes she had to cover my mouth even. she choked me while i touched her. i love to look in her eyes while we’re making out, while we’re fucking each other. the occasional glance at her face while we adjust our stupid hair.

we stopped eventually bc it was loud and her dad was around. she said later that she wished her dad hadn’t shown up tho- nice to know she wanted more.

naked cuddling as per. she has the most gorgeous body i’ve ever seen and i love to hold her. i love her holding me.

funny mix of coupley and casual. this girl made sure if we saw each other again it wasn’t romantic (applause for good communication) but imagine lying in bed w her as the big spoon and feeling her randomly reach in to plant little kisses on my back, my shoulders, top of my head.

she said that she would have made out w me when she came to visit at somerville. me too, i realised. and at rag ball she said- tho i wouldn’t have then, i was genuinely angry, unless she initiated.

we spent some time going over old ground, talking abt how things went between us etc.

but it was all easy, playful even. i said, and i think it’s true, that im so much more relaxed about her now.

as we finally got to bed, 330isj after much delay, she kept breaking sleepy silence with little comments or giggles to herself which i asked about. i didn’t want her to stop talking. a couple of typical hannah things - like oh you want to do this every so often to get rid of your touch starved-ness etc. a little annoying but i don’t even mind really. i felt very content, and tho the not romantic clarification stung a tiny bit i just really enjoyed the moment of lying together.

nights sleep was broken but nice, as it is when you’re topless and cuddling. woke up exhausted w time to kill so spent an hour in bed watching reels, then had toast and took off.

kissed before leaving, but what struck me was the massive tight hug i got. i hope not too aggressively friendzoney? i got the ‘see you at uni’ line. but truly the evening was amazing. if we can do sth like that every once in a while i’d be happy. friends w bens would suit me, even if i walked away feeling more for her than i’m supposed to.

cute texting this pm- come back, i miss you in my bed, my personal heater etc. it makes me feel nice. i’m sad it’s over. Even if, as emmy said, i cant give her all my trust.

[piscesprncesa]

hi y'all it's me again ! i DID finally get the abortion a few days ago (saturday to be exact) and i couldn't be more than grateful for y'all. from the bottom of my heart, u guys rly saved my life and i love you. unfortunately, i do need help w bills + a checkup to go back to the doctor so they can make sure that i'm not pregnant again. any and everything helps!!! also pls don't feel bad if u can't donate, i appreciate y'all support and kindness always 💗

$0/$400

cashapp / paypal

[oddful]

i’ve had at least 4 people tell me my personality has changed this year but hear this okay .. 2019? my only worry was to save money for my LA trip & in 2020 a lot changed A LOT...

In 2020, i had to start applying for school bc the A level thjng didn’t work out so i applied for an art school..an art school ... the course i wanted required me to build up a portfolio AND write in an essay .. fuck my life it was so difficult at that point no one was talking to me i was gg thru some emotional turmoil & had strained my friendship with everyone which i soon apologised to everyone and we moved forward ... god building a portfolio the fuck 10 prep boards in 2 weeks? + an essay? dude one piece not ONE BOARD one piece alrdy took me like 3 hrs and this is w/o the PLANNING BTW ... imagine at that time i wasn’t talking to anyone and no one to encourage me not that i should be expecting that but ... u catch my drift? it was so difficult like sophia stopped talking to me & he also fully left me on read for an entire month? how can i not overthink where i went wrong? how i can i not overthink when he went out w other girls n shid & im here like what t fuvk???

aside from that .. in march we found out my job was closing down ... amidst the pandemic .... where everyone now is cutting cost & they’re letting people go .... ya’ll ... i support myself the fuck i pay my own bills buy my own shit imagine what t fuck was going thru my mind at that point???? I HAD SCH TO WORRY ABT NOW I HAD A JOB CRISIS IM RLY LIKE WHAT T FUCK????? where am i gonna get a job i’m like syaz relax it’s not the end of the world you’ll get thru it just be optimistic about it yknow?

listen.. sch & a job ... these r factors i have no control over yknow? it’s not one of those problems where i’m like “ah fuck i’m so fat” & it’s within my limit to go change like just go on a diet & exercise yknow? sch & work these are EXTERNAL FACTORS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ITS LIKE EVEN MORE STRRSSFUL THESE ARE NOT MINOR SETBACKS THESE ARE MAJOR SETBACKS DO PEOPLE UNDERSTAND? Major setbacks that will shape my future.... and now i was gg thru 2 major things - am i gg to sch? am i gg to have a job? what am i gonna do?

you can’t expect me to be the same jovial little syaz everyone knew the chill syaz not a worry in the world looking syaz i was just great at concealing my emotions it was only this year it was so fucking unfortunate that my 2016 episode returned bc IT WAS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. While i’m alrdy at it, don’t be a fucking idiot & tell people “i’m always here if you wanna talk” & then go around being like “i’m not your fucking therapist” like relax? i’m not asking u to solve my shit? just listen to me and give me a little it’s okay syaz it’s not difficult no? Like i’ve never asked anyone to ‘feel’ for me or whatever it’s JUST LIKE ???????? THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GOT ME OUT OF MY SHELL TO TALK ABT MY PROBELMS AND THEN THEY’re like “UHH ITS TOO OVERWHELMING” THEN I STOP TALKING ABT MY PROEBKMS THEN ITS “ WHY DONT U TELL ME ANYTHJBG” CAN I EVRR FUCKING WIN AT THIS POINT?????

ONE THING PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO STAY THE SAME WHILE JUGGLING TWO MAJOR SSTBACKS OH GOD THREE BC WHEN MY HELPER HAD TO GO HOME I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS HOW DO U expect ME TO BE THR SAME HAPPY SYAZ WHILR JUGHLING ALL YHESE??? ITS LIKE HOW CSN I JUST THINK OF GAMES AND YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND MEMES ALL THR FUCKING TIME R U SCTUALLY OKAY??? U THINK I HAVE NO PROBELMS??? i’m so tired eh like i’m never confiding in anyone anymore idk

i am not gonna play victim here bc i do suppress all my anger n sadness bc of my whole mindset to be a femme fatale lil strong bitch & when i’m at my peak whoever gets it will get vomited on by me. Bc i’m helping my friends with their shit then i’m overwhelmed when i csnt help them then it’s either S or R who has to deal w my shit and i truly am so sorry that i did that bc the both of ya’ll have told me before that it gets overwhelming when you don’t know how to help me and it s too much to absorb but i m working on it n rly i never wanted them to feel for me or anything it’s just nice to know someone is willing to listen to me yknow? idk i did a lot of things on my end but i’m gna take some time off to really heal bc honestly idt i can emotionally heal from what i heard & just hearing 4 DIFFERENT people tell me i’ve changed is like ... yea guys i know? but w all these gg on how can i not? how can i be the same syaz? jm tryna find the old me i miss her too ... just 3 weeks ago i was telling sophoa that i feel like i’m in the movie insidious .. i miss the old syaz i do & frankly after i got accepted into nafa & got transferred to another store i was starting on my journey to find myself yknow? idk

All in all i am truly sorry for hurting anyone along the way especially thru my emotioanl turmoil .. bye